Turning Towards to Move With: A How-to on Dealing with Emotions
Written By: Leah J. Singer, M.Ed., LPC, RYT-200
“This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – The Guest House by Rumi
Emotions: What am I Supposed to do With Them?
“Being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.” Each day can feel like this sometimes – right? If your emotional experiences in 2020-Present has been anything like mine, each day, even each hour, there is a new emotional experience. Gratitude. Anger. Powerlessness. Hope. Optimism. Worry. Pessimism. Uncertainty. Fear. Inspiration. Grief. Phew. Rumi’s got the right idea with “every morning a new arrival” of an emotional experience. When we are overcome with emotion, our natural response usually is: “What am I supposed to do with them?” So, what would it look like if we consider making contact with the emotions and treat them like a guest in your home?
How can I Practice Turning Towards Instead of Away From my Emotions?
As Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer state, “difficult emotions pass through us more easily when we establish a loving, accepting relationship to them.” (117) Mindfulness and self-compassion techniques “help us work with difficult emotions without avoiding or resisting, but without becoming overwhelmed either.” (116) I refer to this process as turning towards to move with your emotional experiences. This approach is very similar to riding the wave from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).
The Practice of Turning Towards Emotions: The Five Stages of Emotional Acceptance
You can practice turning towards to move with your emotional experiences by noticing where you fall and practicing the five stages of emotional acceptance outlined by Neff and Germer:
- Resisting: Struggling against what comes – “Go away!”
- Exploring: Turning towards discomfort with curiosity – “What am I feeling?”
- Tolerating: Safely enduring, holding steady – “I don’t like this, but I can stand it.”
- Allowing: Letting feelings come and go – “It’s okay, I can make space for this.”
- Befriending: Seeing value in difficult emotional experiences – “What can I learn from this?”
Practice: Turning Towards not Away
Not identifying and feeling our feelings creates a disconnect within the self and possibly with others too. Consider this as the same type of disconnect that would be experienced if a person you were conversing with ignores you. At first, it might appear trivial and not that big of a deal, but over time if it happens again and again, it may become one. This is how I like to think of our emotions. It’s an attempt at getting a conversation started and a “notice me!”
So the next time an emotion surfaces, try turning towards it instead of the other way and see how it goes. It’s time we treat our emotions with the same attention many of us treat our social media notifications and alerts on our phone. It’s time to tune in, not out. Lean in, not away. Turn towards, to move with. Feel the feels, then carry on with your day.
Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook. The Guilford Press.
