Riding the Coronacoaster

Coronacoaster. n. The ups and downs of a pandemic; the feeling of uncertainty, anxiety, and helplessness surveying news and information concerning humankind’s possible demise from COVID-19.

The past 4 months have been a wild ride for all of us, to say the least. Riding the “coronacoaster” has had its highs (remember in the beginning when everyone was watching ‘Tiger King’ and baking bread?) and its lows (just watch any news segment). There have been all sorts of unexpected twists and turns – there were times when it felt like the worst part of the ride was over, only to feel ourselves being flipped upside down again.

One of the things I have personally found really helpful for me during this pandemic is journaling. From my spiral notebooks in middle school to my cringe-worthy online Xanga in high-school, to my doodle and bullet journals in the present-day, my journaling practice has been contributing to my well-being for as long as I can remember. It might not be for everyone, but the psychological benefits of journaling are pretty well established, and expressing ourselves through writing can be a really helpful tool in processing our thoughts, feelings, and personal experience of our lives.

As we all continue to go through this together, I want to remind you that it’s ok if how you are feeling changes from one day to the next. Some days you might wake up and love not having to commute to work anymore – the next day you might find yourself missing the coworker you can’t stand. It’s a weird rollercoaster of emotions. We have gone through a lot of change this year and we have been exposed to a lot of conflicting information nearly constantly.

Therapists, and other helping professionals, are not exempt from the “coronacoaster” of it all. While we may know a thing or two about how to navigate a crisis, how to address challenging mental health experiences, and how to support others cope with reality, we are right there experiencing all of this alongside you, as you will clearly see below in some of my personal journal excerpts from the past several months (here’s to #keepingitreal!).

As I read through some of these entries, I recognize that my experiences have been more privileged than many. Your experience this year and my experience may have been very different. It’s easy to compare our experiences to others as being better or worse, but the truth us, none of us have ever gone through a pandemic before. Whatever your experiences have been, try and give yourself (and others) some compassion for what it’s been like, because I sincerely doubt 2020 has felt like a smooth ride for any of us. We are all going at a different pace, and that’s ok. And remember, we will get off this ride eventually.

March:

“Started watching ‘Love is Blind’. I’m so fascinated by Jessica”.
“Realizing that there are no work boundaries right now. Everyone knows everyone is ‘available’ and at home”.
“Now would be a great time for a Harry Potter marathon”.
“We picked up HEB groceries from curbside – we’ve been trying to support small businesses, but I am actually so excited to eat real food again and have more time to cook more!”.
“Finished watching “Love is Blind” AND the reunion special. Damn”.
“Saw 4 clients online today. This is so emotionally exhausting. Pandemic impacts are significant across the board. Still avoiding all my notes. My mental bandwidth is way less than usual”.
“I went on a 4-mile bike ride! I guess I’ll probably be doing this more often for a while!”.
“Today we learned that this will go on until the end of April. Another month of this? People are really struggling to comprehend this”.
“Watched and finished ‘Tiger King’ – wow”.
“I keep having to remind my dad not to leave the house”.
“Ordered a new inflatable pool since we will apparently be home for AT LEAST another month”.
“Today is the last day of this decade long month!”.

April:

“I’m crying a lot more this week than last week. Heaviness is taking over. Feeling overwhelmed in many areas. Taking more time to text people back”.
“I decided to delete all of my social media apps for a day or two”.
“Missing my friends a lot but Zoom hangouts can actually be pretty fun“.
“Puzzle date night tonight! Started 1,000-piece puzzle (ambitious?)”.
“The CDC changed its mind and is now recommending that everyone wears a face mask when leaving home. Confusing. We do not have any yet and need to track some down – I am curious how this will unfold”.
“Woke up after weird unsettling dreams about how no public restrooms were open anymore due to COVID”.
“After my meetings, I sat in the hammock and drank a Truly in the middle of the day. No client meetings later = no rules”.
“I.am.so.tired”.
“Reminisced about my last vacation…I wonder what travel will look like over the next few months”.
“My husband played video games all day again”.
“We made homemade pasta for the first time and our sourdough bread starter kit came in the mail!”.
“Today I went on a drive around Houston to see how Allen Parkway and the Downtown areas look right now – pretty empty and eerie”.
“Today is officially Day 29 of this bullshit”.
“I have been reading even more than usual lately. I sat outside to read yesterday and had some thought-provoking reflection about myself and my patterns and about my life”.
“Started out my morning intending to finish reading my book but ended up just scrolling on my phone, ugh”.
“A lot of people are starting to lose their jobs. I’m really concerned about it all. It’s hard to focus right now, but I am trying to be thankful that I am in a position where I can work from home”.
“Quarantine brings weird tensions. Fuses are definitely shorter”.
“I have noticed that 2 telehealth sessions feel like 4 in-person sessions and 4 telehealth sessions feel like 8 in-person sessions”.
“Today’s bike ride observations: so many people were outside riding their bikes and going on walks – way more than usual. Everyone was waving and smiling and saying ‘Hi’ to each other. Saw several teenagers outside skateboarding and several kids playing with chalk. Is this the 90’s? Then I saw two middle-aged men riding bikes one-handed with White Claws in their other hands. Nope, it’s definitely 2020”.
“I can’t remember what this particular day was like. Things are all blurring together. I think I was feeling pretty depressed on this day”.
“Judge Hidalgo (the county judge) said that a “mask order” is coming for the next 30 days – does this mean everyone must now wear a mask outside?”.

May:

“Somehow we made it to another month! ‘It’s gonna be May!’? More like ‘It’s gonna be Meh’”.
“The Texas Governor recently announced that restaurants, malls, and movie theaters can open back up at 25%….we have plans to cautiously hang out with friends tonight in public and it feels weirdly exhilarating and terrifying all at once”.
“It was amazing to be in person with friends, but I also felt hyperaware of proximity, cleanliness etc. It was weird not to hug each other. We shared how we have been and how worried about our parents we are”.
“Made 2 different homemade salsas today – then I mixed them together to make a 3^rd one, so I guess I’m basically a chef now”.
“Two months into this whole thing, and we seem to be in a weird place of adapting and coping well. Sometimes it is easy to forget that life used to be really different”.
“Went to the Med Center for an appointment – so surreal to be at a hospital during a pandemic. There were special teams set-up to take temperatures, ask questions, and administer wristbands like we were entering a music festival. People were extremely warm and friendly – it really felt like everyone was so much more present and intentional about their interactions with each other than usual”.
“I don’t really watch the news anymore and have kinda gotten used to being home all of the time”.
“I’m so terrified about my dad getting COVID”.
“This was one of the most encouraging days I have had in ages and I am seeing a huge surge in new clients seeing therapy. People seem to be past the initial shock of it all and are starting to look for space to help process everything that has happened”.
“This week is so emotionally charged. So much pain and outrage right now after the murder of George Floyd”.
“I’m constantly having conversations about racial inequalities, racial trauma, systemic issues, police brutality. There are protests all across the US and the globe. Trying to figure out my role in it and how to actually help”.
“My client told me that it feels like waking up from a dream that you thought you had already woken up from”.

June:

“I spent an entire week off of Instagram and mostly off of Facebook and it was much needed for my mental health”.
“Processing a lot of grief and trauma / racial trauma / my experiences and role as a white person / how to take action in the new racial justice movement”.
“Weird sense of fake normalcy even though people are still being infected and dying every day”.
“We announced to all of our clients this week that we will stay online the rest of the year – this is the right thing to do and also very hard to accept”.
“Sense of adaptability is very strong among folks now. A lot of people have adapted to working from home or going out less, but the country has continued re-opening for the most part”.
“Cases in Houston are now higher than ever before. Hospitals are starting to be near capacity. Children’s hospitals are opening-up to adults”.
“There is a lot of cognitive dissonance seeing people going out, seeing packed restaurants, and seeing that wearing masks has somehow become political?”
“As of this week, businesses in Houston are required to have people wear a mask to enter. The Texas Governor said closing the state again is a last resort but who knows what will happen next”.
“Texas paused its reopening today”.
“I am really missing my friends. 4^th of July will look and feel a lot different this year for a variety of reasons – we will try to make the most of it!”.
“Weird level of desensitization right now. A lot of people are acting as if things are not nearly as bad as they used to be when in reality they are worse now than in March – there is a lot of internal conflict going on about personal choices”.
“Feeling emotionally overloaded in general and burnt-out. Might need to take a few days off”.

July (so far):

“A large amount of people in the US still do not believe the virus is real. It’s really difficult to see how differently people respond to all of this”.
“Houston / Harris County is almost the global epicenter of the virus now and the hospitals are becoming overwhelmed. There seems to be a lot of chronic, low-level anxiety about this with most people I interact with. I actually know multiple people who have had the virus now”.
“I’m trying to plan some sort of vacation – we all need things to look forward to!”.
“I’ve had so many meaningful conversations with my friends this month and the past few months –convos about life, the pandemic, and anti-racism. We have had to be so much more intentional about staying connected”.
“It’s now officially been about 4 months since shit hit the fan with Corona”.
“As horrible as the pandemic is, it’s also like a big experiment in building resilience and tolerating uncertainty”.
“It’s such a weird time to be a therapist, and I’m so grateful to be doing what I’m doing”.